My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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