ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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