if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
