After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
