i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize