I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
