awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
