we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
