Your face is a jimmy john
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
