I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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