um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
