before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
