Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
