i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
