I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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