last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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