OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
soo... how was my night?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
