Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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