you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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