Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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