New invention idea: vibrating tampons
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
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