she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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