You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
