You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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