I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You ruined the universe
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
