I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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