I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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