my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
