Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
