I'm so fucking centered right now
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
