i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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