I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
