Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
