feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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