you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
