I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
