He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
