the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
