I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
