I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
