I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
