Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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