Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
