I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
