im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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