4 words: hood of his car
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
