he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
if only i could text you this smell
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize