I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
