never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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