im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
