Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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