chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
