You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I can't turn off my feet"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
