why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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