any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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