For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Randomize
