the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
