God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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