I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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